It’s f’ing Shark Week mofos! So, obviously “A Network You Should Know” is going to shred the Discovery Channel into tiny bite-sized pieces for your enjoyment. As you may know, I’m basically professional when it comes to mastication. I masticate thousands of times a day, literally.
Why an entire week for sharks? No one knows. Isn’t every week Shark Week for sharks? They’re f’ing apex predators. It’s like giving high school quarterbacks a week. They’re the dicks of the sea.
The Discovery Channel, a.k.a. The Station with Shark Week, launched in 1985 using 5 million dollars in start-up capital, which is reportedly the same figure The Situation from Jersey Shore earned last year. That is clearly not a coincidence. The Discovery Channel started humbly, only broadcasting from 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. (or the hours in which The Situation is awake by choice). Who would’ve guessed that The Situation would make such a useful reference tool for this article? No one, that’s who. Except maybe, and this is just a hunch, The Situation who is known for being an exceptionally good guesser.
From 1988-2003, The Discovery Channel aired 778 Shark Weeks. During the remaining two weeks of those years, they aired “A Very Special Shark Week”, in which all the sharks wore Christmas sweaters and learned the value of families coming together at the holidays via a convoluted shark reenactment of The Gift of the Magi. The 780th week was just blue screen with a picture of a hammerhead taped to an on-air camera. This time period was a grand marketing plan to create the current fervor around the Shark Week phenomenon that we know today. Today’s viewers grew up with 50-52 Shark Weeks a year and now there’s only one. And it is the only way to explain why anyone gives a rat’s ass about 168 hours of television in which the climax of every program is: “look a fish swimming in the ocean!”
Discovery is best understood as the channel The History Channel always wanted to be. Below I’ve framed it in the most universally comprehensible format that information can be transmitted, otherwise known as the SAT question:
History : Brandon Walsh :: Discovery : Dylan McKay.
In 2003, Discovery began the journey that would lead them to the top of the weirdo occupational-based reality show heap. They kicked off with American Chopper. It is a show about a family of Americans who build custom choppers and fight. It was a huge success, so after 7 seasons they cancelled it and formed a new show where they fight and build custom choppers.
The success of American Chopper led to more occupational-based reality shows for Discovery. The next big hit was Deadliest Catch in which people fish, hazardously. Commercial fishing is one of the more dangerous jobs in the world. Deadliest Catch is shot on boats sailing from the base port of Dutch Harbor in Unalaska, Alaska. Yes, you read that right, Unalaska, Alaska. The slogan for the city of Unalaska is “Undiscovered, Unforgettable, Unalaska”. You know, as opposed to the rest of the discovered, forgettable state. Also, I think if you’ve got a television show about your city airing in 150 countries, chances are, it has been discovered.
Discovery maintains its science-y roots with a slew of shows devoted to busting myths and smashing labs. Also, there’s a new show called Curiosity, which I predict will be watched by literally tens of people. The program that teaches viewers the most is probably Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. Mike Rowe is a one-man band of media personality that some people like to call the “Everyman.” Some people say he looks too much like Maury Povich. I don’t think he looks enough like Maury Povich. The question is can anyone look too much like Maury Povich? (The answer is no.)
The premise of Dirty Jobs is that Mike Rowe spends his time assisting people with their jobs. Many of the jobs involve dead animal carcasses. The rest involve wading through bat guano. The appeal of Mike Rowe and Dirty Jobs is so powerful it has propelled spin-offs on other networks. After Rowe worked with a bug killer in Season 1 of Dirty Jobs that man became Billy, the Exterminator on A&E (another network for another time).
Anyway, like Discovery, Mike Rowe just strikes a chord with me. And with everyone, that Everyman can sell anything from Fords (Fords! I mean, c’mon) to Viva Paper Towels to Lee Premium Select Jeans. Though to be fair, the jeans really sell themselves—they’re of the most premium quality of selected Lee Denim (or the more selectively chosen from the premium Lee Denim). It might be a generation thing; he’s so youthful I didn’t even realize he is 49. That’s 2,548 in Shark Weeks.
