This week’s A Network You Should Know is TLC, which used to be called The Learning Channel. When it was founded in 1972, it was called Appalachian Community Service Network, with Appalachian viewers learning about what all Appalachians crave: nature, science, history, current events, medicine, and technology. Today, TLC viewers mainly learn about hoarding.
The network slogan is “TLC: Family, Home, Style, Cooking”. Interestingly enough, that is the same slogan as Applebee’s—just without the commas. No one can argue against the impenetrable fortress of Applebee’s family home style cooking—it’s delicious, affordable, and incessantly pioneering new places to stuff cheese. However, maybe “family, home, style, cooking” is not exactly the right basis for a television network.
The problem could stem from the fact that it’s not one basis, but four bases—why all four at once? They’re perfectly good channel themes on their own; merging them together is like eating a blueberry steak milkshake dumpling. Is it me, or does that actually sound good? Why do I have a feeling Applebee’s will be serving them in two months? “Come on down and try our Blueberry Steak Milkshake Dumplings! They’re stuffed with cheese!”
Quesadilla Burger?!
Also, doesn’t TLC already have a trademark? Isn’t it The Learning Channel? What happened to all the learning? Right now, if TLC were a learning annex instead of a learning channel, the courses it would offer are:
Applied Math: Using Exponentiation to Count Your Offspring
Material Covered:
Jon & Kate Plus 8 – Jon = 10 million viewers
19 Kids and Counting
Table for 12 and Miscellaneous Spreadsheets
Geography: The Inks of the USA
Material Covered:
LA Ink
Miami Ink
NY Ink
Birchwood Village, Minnesota Ink
Inks of the Finger Lakes Region
Geography II: Sarah Palin’s Alaska
Course Objective: Standing with our North Korean allies, obviously.
Introduction to the Horror Narrative: A Wedding Story
Writing the Horror Narrative: A Conception Story
Advanced Narratives of Horror: A Baby Story
Anthro 202. The Interpretation of Culture: Little People, Big Worlds & Medium-sized Gypsies
Material Covered:
From the Reign of Cake Boss to Kitchen Boss during the cupcake wars
Fashion Philosophy 101
Sample Problem: If, I say “yes to the dress” then, how do I know “what not to wear” if I can’t distinguish blue from green in all language?
All the rest of the courses offered would be on the different ways to trade your space. They would be set to the tune of the stock audio classic “Wacky Sax” and a multitude of zany sound effects. There would be seventy other courses. All of them about Trading Spaces. All of them hosted taught by Ty Pennington.
One of the most unique additions to the curriculum over at TLC is Toddlers and Tiaras. It was a late addition to the syllabus, but it is rife with educational opportunity. This is a show about grown women who compete for the prize of worst mother. Spoiler alert: They all win.
Clearly, TLC is a “network you should know” as it masterfully combines what could potentially (and logically) be four specialty networks into one. However, if I were to spotlight a “program you should know” it would definitely be this next one. The title of the program is I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. I think that undersells the premise slightly. A more apt title in my opinion would be How the Hell Did She Not Know She Was F’ing Pregnant?!
More importantly, why does one admit not knowing something like that on national television? My sister once confused Sally Ride with Sally Field, but she didn’t make a T.V. show about it. I used to think it was called “rubbernecking” because the rubber car bumpers were packed so tightly in traffic jams that it looks like the vehicles are making out. You know what I won’t be starring in this fall? Don’t look for me in: I Misunderstood The Colloquialism Until An Inappropriate Age!
Anyway, the most important part of I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant is when the big surprise is revealed. Usually, it’s in a bathroom. However, it’s a bathroom at the prom a lot less often than I would have assumed.
Regardless of the positive or negative reaction, this is the biggest GD surprise these women will ever have in their lives. Can you think of something more surprising for them to find out? Forget the stripper in her bachelorette cake. Every time someone attempts to throw her a covert birthday celebration she will compare it to that time a live human fell out of her. Go ahead, Kutch, just try to punk her. You. will. not. top. this.
Remember when the chestburster pops out of John Hurt in Alien? He was pretty surprised to learn that thing was inside of him too. These ladies are just as surprised to learn some similar information. And that friends, is why they call it The Learning Channel.
