Temperatures tomorrow could reach record breaking highs across the northeastern United States, which will be fun if you live in green, swimming pool infested places like Connecticut and New Jersey, but will be decidedly less so for those of us residing in the concrete bunker that is New York City.
With this in mind, we bring you the 4 best ways to beat the heat in the city.
1. Go to the Beach
Snobby New Yorkers (Manhattanites in particular) are prejudiced against New York City beaches, often without having seen a single one. Yes, I’m aware that there is trash (of a couple of different kinds) present at the beaches of Brighton and the island of Coney. Welcome to New York. If you can’t handle a little garbage, go live in one of the air conditioned purgatories mentioned above, and leave us to our infernal paradise. Besides, where else can you find a beachfront Ukrainian restaurant with fantastic pelmeni dumplings and no dress code? The Hamptons? Good luck.
2. Drink Iced Tea
I know weloveicedcoffee, but it’s far from an ideal summer drink. It takes a long time to make right (or is expensive if made by someone else), and when you’re trying to suck down liquids faster than you can sweat them out that French press-full of Colombian isn’t going to last long. Plus, on the thirst quench-a-bility scale, iced coffee comes in a distant 27th, between chilled bong water (surprisingly refreshing!) and full-pulp orange juice. Iced tea is easily in the top 10.
Look, when it’s 98 degrees out you’ve got to stay True To Your Heart, mouth, and sweat glands and drink something light, flavorful, refreshing, and not too sweet. This excludes all so-called tea drinks that are store bought, flavor-infused, or cavity causing. Last time I checked, (in fact, every time I’ve checked) New York was above the Mason-Dixon line. If that changes tomorrow, I’ll put an entire case of sugar packets in my pitcher of Lipton, but until then I want my iced tea to consist of tea bags, ice, and water. Lemons are the only acceptable addition. Actually, I wouldn’t complain if you slipped some booze in there, too. Who’s ever heard of a Long Island Iced Coffee?
3. Get Naked
This one is so self-explanatory I’m having trouble coming up with anything else to say about it, so I’ll just make a list within a list:
The top 4 reasons to be naked during a heat wave
1. No tan lines
2. No barriers to entry (right, bro? RIGHT?)
3. No worrying that someone will notice your chocolate belt doesn’t go with your pecan shoes (annnnd now I’m hungry).
4. No sweaty clothes (no laundry!)
Just remember, if you feel the need to tweet to a friend about your nudist experience, for god’s sake press d, not @, especially if you’ve included pictures. No one wants to see that (except maybe Andrew Breibart).
4. Get High
Getting high seems to sneak its way into most of these New York Pudding lists. This either indicates a major flaw in the character of our staff, or merely speaks to of the life-improving power of the sticky green stuff. Or both. Anyways, when it’s hot outside you’re not going to want to move too much, so you might as well do something that makes not moving fun. Roll a fatty, go out on your fire escape (or roof, or local park, or beach, or stoop) and bake. No points for smoking in an air conditioned room. You’re missing the whole point. Your canned air will taste that much sweeter after sucking down a healthy dose of burning plant matter laced with rotting garbage, evaporated sweat, and dog musk. Trust me.
For best results, combine all four methods, and try not to get arrested. Stay frosty ladies and gents.
By Devin Smith