I am going to graduate in May, if all goes according to plan. People, like my parents, keep asking me what I’m going to do with my life, and it seems to bother them that I don’t have a better answer than “probably get a job and stay in New York, or travel, or something.” You’d think after three and a half years of practice I’d have come up with something better, but alas- everything I want to do is a lot more appealing before I actually try it.
Let’s be honest- I’m just like everyone else. All we really want is to be in movies. Not just any movies- bank heist movies. So what if I haven’t acted since my Tony worthy (if they gave Tonys for most voice cracks) portrayal of Rapunzel’s Prince in my 8th grade class production of Into The Woods? Agony!
I’m just waiting for the right part to come along. That’s what I told myself, anyway, after a series of auditions for heist movies resulted in zero callbacks. I decided to broaden my scope- once I got my foot in the door with a lighter role, like Leo in The Basketball Diaries (heroin shmeroin), I could focus on my true, money grubbing passion.
Unfortunately, results did not improve. The American rejected me, even though I’m American. Tangled rejected me, despite my previous experience in both Rapunzel wooing and blonde dating. David Jones told me I could’ve been the understudy to the voice of Dobby in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, if only I was British. I (wished I had) spit in his face.
It was time for a new plan. What’s the next best thing to acting in bank heist movies? Heisting banks, of course! (If you said acting in pornos, that would be the next-next best thing.) I knew I would be an instant success. Think about it- I know exactly how to carry out bank jobs after watching literally hundreds of films on the subject.
Step one: assemble crew of professional bank robbers. Step two: acquire bank blueprints. Step three: drink whiskey in your safe house for a few weeks while you ‘plan’ the job. This is the easiest part, because you don’t really need to plan anything. You can either tunnel in, like in Bank Job, or go in guns-a-blazin’, like in The Town. Either way you’re guaranteed a big score. Step four: rob bank. Step five: escape to Caribbean island/European villa with gorgeous girl and buy a yacht to cruise around in until you get bored and are ready for another job.)
Not only that, but I (seriously) have a friend whose middle name is Heist, so all I have to do is marry her and swap my last name for her middle. Then, every conversation with a prospective crew member will go like this.
Professional badass safe-cracker and explosives expert: Why should I join your crew? Do you have any experience with heists?
Me: Don’t you know who I am? Heist is my middle name.
PBSCAEE: Where do I sign?
I started to plan my first job. It did not go well. After two weeks of googling and posting ads on craigslist I couldn’t find even one person with explosives experience. Tracking down blueprints was equally impossible. Then my mom called again asking about my future, and I was forced to make vague noises about law school to placate her. I sank into a deep depression.
Then this happened, and it hit me. Bank heists are so pedantic, so common, so hard. Art crime is the way to go. It’s a six billion dollar-a-year industry. They keep Picassos in trucks, for chrissake. Hell, some museums barely have cameras. The Scream has been stolen like 15 times, and no one ever gets caught! (Even when there are pictures of the robbers.) Plus, instead of merely escaping to Europe, I get to go gallavanting around the museums of the old world, working whenever and wherever I want. And I can keep Heist as my middle name.
Now, you might be asking yourself, what kind of art thief writes about being an art thief for the world to see? Good point, yourself! No art thief would ever do that. So, when Water Lilies goes missing from MOMA in the next few weeks, you’ll know exactly know who didn’t do it. See you in Tuscany!
By Devin Smith